and that it had to end, Unstoppable is still my favorite word. Over anything.
This will probably be the last time I’ll ever call you that. And any other of your nicknames. It’s really.. depressing.. I can’t bear it. The best thing I had in my life just walked out of it.. And y’know, I deserved it. I don’t deserve you. It was all my fault. I never loved you enough; I never gave you enough love, and maybe it was best for us to separate. You deserve someone better, someone who’ll accept your guy friends, who’ll accept that you like to party. I could never do that. I thought that I’d lose you if I gave you all that, and here, I got what I least wanted in the world. And, I can’t get over it, I can’t get over you. This break up has shaken me. What we had, it was amazing. I loved it. I’m going to miss you telling me good morning everyday and that you loved me. I’m going to miss our breath-taking kisses, and I’ll just miss you. I’ll miss you the most. Just your presence. It kept me sane, happy. What we had, pretty girl, it’s just a mere memory now. I should have never told her I loved her. I should have never left last November.. I know you lost feelings for me when I did. You lost this little hope in us that broke away your beautiful smile. You gave me too many chances after that, and I never acknowledged that I was hurting you so much. I took you for granted. And to be honest, I know there’s some guy out there better than me. He’ll treat you better than I ever have. He’ll love you for you, and I could never do that. I use to treat you in superiority, like a princess, but after last November, I’ve been treating you as an inferior, like shit.
I don’t know what it is, but you can’t or don’t want to speak to me now. And, well, I understand. You may hate me; you may disown me, but I’m sorry. I was never special. I wasted your time. You gave me your heart, and I just trampled on it. I’m one of them now, the jerks and imbeciles that gave you shit. I’m one of them.. It hurts to know that, y’know? I’m sorry for wasting your time. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for taking every single luxury from you. You may hate what we had, but I loved it. We had something beautiful. We had something adults still haven’t found. And, it’s a shame that it had to end. The part that something stronger that you have, a feeling, a disturbance, overcomes the love that we had always gets to me. It’s killing me, every living cell in me, and here I am, still alive. It’s probably the worst feeling in the world, and the worst part is, I gave you that feeling..
This summer, I don’t want you to think about me. I need you to be happy, so I can be. This summer, I’m not going to play around with other girls. I can’t do that. I can’t. One day, I’ll marry someone, maybe you, and when that day comes, my wife won’t like the fact that I was a man whore. She’ll never love me for that. This summer, I search to find myself. I lost myself when I left you; I’ve been consumed by hate and fear since then. I must find myself; you left, and now I truly have no purpose here. I lost hope for the future, because well, you were my future. I made you my world, and I let you slip right out of my hands. I just can’t express how I feel right now.. I have so much to say, yet I can’t express it..
I love you. I’ve always loved you. And I don’t think I can ever stop loving you. I’m sorry, pretty girl, but our story, it must end here. You’ll never be my Queen, and we’ll never have little princes and princesses running around. It sucks.. because I thought we had something special.. Now it seems like you can’t say that you love me anymore. Now, you can’t even speak a word to me.. Now I’m a stranger to you, and I hate the fact that I am. I don’t like being one of them. One of those guys from your past. And I know for a God damn fact that I was the worst of them all. Just know that what we had was special to me. I never knew what I had until it was gone. You were the best thing that happened to me, and I’m sorry. I love you. Good bye. Always and Nothing, Unstoppable. </4
All I know is that we’re both hurt, and it’s all my fault..
I am really getting sick of you guys. You all know not of your limit. You guys exceed to when your pleasures are pleased and beyond desired. I am not one of you guys. Give me some respect, and I’ll show you the same. The fact that it’s not just a few of you, but it’s that it’s the whole lot of you. I’m getting sick of your faces, and I can’t wait to leave.
Hey, man.. I’m scared.. I don’t know what to do.. who to turn to.. It’s always like my life revolves around one answer: death. I don’t know anymore! I can’t help but cry to comedy of my pain.. Fuck life. Fuck this. I need an escape. I need help..
You.. How can you let this happen? You’re such a fucking fool! Just throw it away. Just like that. Like there’s nothing to live for. Well fuck it; I know you. You having nothing to live for. Filth, despicable, and a disgrace. You deserve it. Everything. Do you know what you’re even doing in life? How can you let him do that? You had to so much potential.. and you threw that, you threw that away. Just like you did with Grandma. You are just like your father: a monster. So be happy. Smile, you fool. Everything you didn’t want, happened in a flash.
I am not your boo. I am not your husband. I am not yours. I don’t wanna hear about whatever boys’ dick you got. I don’t wanna hear you and my parents toying with me. So please, do me a favor, and shut the fuck up.
I love you, pretty girl. But sometimes, I think you take it for granted.. And, sometimes.. I believe you don’t love me.. sometimes it feels like you never come to consider my feelings. But, y’know, my feelings don’t matter. Because I shouldn’t be the one complaining. I always toss around yours anyway. I’m the self-centered, insecure one. I’m the one with high levels of jealousy. I’m the one that shouldn’t be complaining. Y’know, I am scared as fuck to when you leave. I really am. You don’t know what goes through my mind.. Oh well. A matter of fact, it’s a good thing that you’re leaving for the summer. I need a break from everything. From everyone. Don’t take me wrong; I’m going to miss you like Hell, but I still have no reason for why I deserve to live. And I need to find that from myself, not from everybody else around. Sorry.
You guys don’t want me; you guys need me. It’s a shame, for I’m your eldest son, yet you guys treat me as if I’m worse, more as to your illogical bitch, than honorable family. Fuck you two for all I care. You two didn’t raise me; you two didn’t tell me right from wrong; you two didn’t heal my wound when I got hurt; you two didn’t give a fuck about my happiness and still fucking don’t. Go to Hell for all I care. This is not spoken from hatred and bitterness, but spoken from the bottom of my heart. If you guys can’t acknowledge me as your son, well fuck, I can do the fucking same. Wait until I die before you two, took me for granted, huh? My last words will be that you two deserve it. Countless times. Countless times I wanted to runaway. I wanted to fight back. I wanted to escape. I wanted to jump.. You guys don’t understand that childhood memory is remembered most. Hope you two are happy, because you guys ruined mine.
Father, Y’know.. Times I come to You, are of times only of struggle and hardship. But, now, I come to speak. Speak of one thing. Of what I ponder. What progresses through my thoughtless brain. I ask of You, Lord: may You listen to my words? May You acknowledge what I speak? May You feel as of how I feel and felt? I come not to plead for help nor assistance. But to talk, words of what I feel of now, and of my life.
I have grown tired, and I have grown frail. I’ve acknowledged weakness, yet I’ve condemned it. What my thoughts ponder through, I learned to acknowledge that I never really acknowledged them. My thoughtless brain goes through questions of the unanswered, yet I’ve always been answering them with one thing: Escapism.
I’ve been postponing, Father. Postponing the difficult and the feared. As if difficulty is improbable, and fear is too fragile to touch, for it may consume me and my conscience. But, I have been facing fear. By running. And I always ask myself, why run when you can face it? Father, it frightens me. If I may face the improbable and the untouchable, what will happen? May peace bring unto myself? Or may I be consumed of monstrosity and anguish? I ponder myself about this. It flows through my brain like a current. I know much and many, but I follow not of my own words. Does that define me as a hypocrite? A cheat? An imbecile? I know much and many, but I know not of my own words. All three classify who and what I am. What is it for myself to follow? What I speak? Or what I think? This, Father, establishes me of pure weakness. I am weak, of the lowest. But must I be weak to be strong? Strong of the highest? I am caught along my thoughts, and what should fear me most, are my thoughts. Yet what fears me most, is that I obtain much more atrocities at hand and mind. I deserve what depresses me. I deserve all of it, and my sins define my life. I believe I’ve committed many yet also the worst. And I believe, that I could never repay my debt..
Thank You, Lord. You have given me much more than what I deserve, and I am grateful. I hope that I’ll obtain the guts to just talk again with You, none of which pleading is present. If I do, I’ll speak again of another place. I thank You, again.
A month ago, my best friend started drinking.
Three weeks ago, she started smoking weed.
Two weeks ago, she was raped, and ended up in the hospital severely under the influence.
Today, I saw her kissing a boy who already has a girlfriend.
She’s my best friend, but when is she going to learn that the things she does have consequences?